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I’ve been absent from this blog and from the gym for far too long. Tonight was the first visit back to both in over six months. That’s actually a terribly embarrassing admission. I fought so hard to regain a foothold on my health and fitness, and in the short course of six months, I’ve managed to set aside all the great lifestyle changes I’d made and put about 20 pounds back on. I could tell you that the stress of building (and figuring out how to pay for) our house was a huge factor–it was–and I could tell you that wrapping my brain around my new responsibilities at work was another factor–it was. However, those really are just excuses. I don’t know how many times Troy said he wanted to go to the gym. All it would have taken was for me to get ready and simply say, “Let’s go.”

I started this blog to push myself–to celebrate my successes and to admit my failures–as I approached the age of 40. Well, 40 has come and gone, and I’m looking forward to the big 4-1 in April. I’m no longer “facing” 40. I’m living it. that being said, it’s time for me to change the title of my blog. I thought about it quite a bit tonight, but I couldn’t come up with a suitable alternative. I’m open to any suggestions. For all my writing experience over the years, I can’t seem to formulate a single clever title that doesn’t feel too self-indulgent (I know . . . I’m blogging, so worrying about self-indulgence seems a bit lame) or too trite. Any ideas? I can use all the help I can get!

 

 

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Okay, this may not be a PC blog topic, so if you’re squeamish about the topic of breasts, stop reading now. However, if you’re a woman who’s lost weight (or a man whose wife/girlfriend has), you know that one major change happens in the pectoral region, and you can likely relate to my feelings. I can’t believe what has happened to my boobs after losing over 50 pounds! I find it incredibly funny that I’m mourning the loss of nearly two cup sizes. When they were huge, I hated how huge they were. Now that they’re not huge, I hate that they aren’t! Holy cow! Damn finicky woman! Troy hasn’t complained a bit, thankfully. However, he knew me when I was flat as a board (circa 1989), so where I’m at today is still a huge improvement over those days. LOL.

What I find interesting is that I never thought about what might happen to the girls because of my weight loss, and I certainly never anticipated feeling so affected by the change. I know many female bodybuilders and fitness models have implants. I never thought I’d entertain the idea of breast augmentation. However, if things continue at the current rate, I’ll have nothing left up top! I’m curious about my reaction to this specific loss of body fat. While I hated it when my breasts were at their largest, I was still proud of the fact that they were all real–thousands of women across the country would have paid good money to have breasts like I had. Now I can only focus on the fact that they aren’t what they used to be and think about what I can do to remedy that fact.

I can do more chest work, sure, but that isn’t going to change the size of my breasts. I can buy fancy bras at Victoria’s Secret that will give the illusion that they’re fuller and perkier. I’m just not sure either of those options is ideal. When it comes right down to it, though, I’m not certain I could ever really go through with some type of surgical solution. I don’t know much about the whole process of breast augmentation, so I”m not certain how much time and healing is involved in the recovery process. I’m not even sure Troy would go for it! I guess it’s just one of those things to ponder as time goes on and my body continues to shrink–even those body parts I would be just as happy NOT shrinking.

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What an interesting last couple of weeks I’ve had. Ups. Downs. Good. Bad. Fun. Sadness. I always thought that getting to a healthier me would translate into “instant happiness.” The weird thing is that, in so many ways, I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time, but the changes in my life have presented me with a whole new set of challenges.

I’m not quite sure how to be this “new” me. One moment I feel confident and sexy–self assured and excited about the future, and the next moment I feel awkward, stupid, and completely UNconfident. I think so much of what I’m struggling with has to do with the fact that there have been SO many changes in my life–so much upheaval. I’m doing a different job at work now, and I have no clue what I’m doing most days. I’m hoping for the dust to settle some so that I can actually start to learn what it is I’m supposed to be doing. Things with the house are a total wreck thanks to media attention we did NOT want, and all of that is weighing on me. Thankfully, it’s not adding to my weight!

All that aside, I’m left with this person staring back at me in the mirror. She looks better than she has in years, and she’s fitter and healthier than she’s likely EVER been. I’m proud of her. I constantly want to dress her in awesome clothes that show off her accomplishments, but then I freak out and shut her down. I pick at all the changes I don’t like about her (don’t get me started on the list). Don’t get too excited. Don’t kid yourself, I tell her. Why is it so damn hard to just enjoy how far I’ve come? I always thought I was such a strong, confident person. I’m not sure who the hell this wimpy, self-doubting person is, but I wish someone would tell her to pull her head out of her ass.

If I could figure out the magical equation to just enjoy this person I am becoming, I would be so much better off. I don’t like being negative. I don’t like fighting through the stress. I don’t like doubting my accomplishments or my worth. So . . . I sit here crying about crap I have no control over and letting that garbage affect my ability to move onward and upward. I have so much to be thankful for: great friends, a supportive husband, and motivation to keep moving forward (despite my efforts to sabotage myself). Tomorrow is another day and another chance for me to see the good in myself. It’s another chance for great things to happen that will put a smile on my face. It’s an opportunity to begin again more intelligently, as a friend of mine likes to say (so I’ve paraphrased . . . sue me!).

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For crying out loud! I am trying to figure out how to be this new me, and some days it sucks. I know I try to be positive, but the bottom line is that I can’t always be. I don’t always make the right decisions. I don’t always say the right things. I sometimes take for granted those I love the most. Why is it that some things in my life can be going so well and others just fall apart? I know I’ve made huge improvements in my health and fitness, and I’m proud of that. I just wish I could believe that I deserve to feel good about myself. So . . . this stream of stress and negativity totally goes against what I believe in, but this journey is damn hard. I know I’ve preached about pushing forward and about having confidence and respect for yourself and your accomplishments. I think I’ve done a damn good job of that most of the time. There are days like this, though, that I doubt myself and doubt my ability to succeed. What happened to make me feel this way, you may be asking? The stupid thing is that nothing specifically happened to make me feel this way today. Instead, my feelings of insecurity and self doubt are sticking their noses into my world and pissing me off!

I have worked damn hard to get to where I am, and I should appreciate my accomplishments. Instead, I doubt my ability to get to the finish line. WTH?! I want to believe in my abilities. I want to believe that I deserve to achieve my goals. I want to believe that I can become the best me I know how to be and that DESERVE to be her–THAT girl–the one who is amazing, healthy, and fit.

Say it… shout it… believe it… “I AM GOING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!”

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Sometimes I have to remind myself where I started this journey over 19 months ago and how far I’ve come in that span of time. Today wasn’t one of those days, though. Today I lived my life as a confident me–enjoying this fun-loving, healthy, (Dare I even say it? Yes, yes I do!) sexy woman I’ve become. I wish every day were like today. The reality is that every day is NOT. Every day is a challenge for me to appreciate my accomplishments and to NOT look to someone else for validation.

What I would like to know is why we do these things to ourselves? Why do we insist that someone notice us, that someone recognize the strides we’ve made, that someone make some comment that confirms what we already know inside . . . WE FREAKIN’ ROCK! Seriously, people, I want to know why I (and most of the rest of the world) cannot simply accept my own appreciation for what I’ve done the last 19 months? I DO recognize all that I’ve done, and I DO know that the healthier choices I’ve made are the key to my future good health and longevity. Fantastic, right? Wrong. I still have that little voice inside my head that wants to know that other people notice. Now, don’t get me wrong . . . it’s not like I’ve dropped 50 pounds and no one has even batted an eye–people have noticed, and people have made comments that I greatly appreciate and that make me feel good. In the end, though, I crave that validation from my spouse. Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don’t. When he tells me he’s proud of me or that I look good, it’s like fireworks going off in my stomach–HE NOTICED! Why is that so much more important in that moment than the power I feel when I meet a goal or surpass a milestone of my journey? I struggle with that disconnect so often. Everyone says that you have to make changes and set goals for yourself, and that’s at the heart of my lifestyle change–what I want, what I hope to gain–but I’d by lying if I said that what my husband thinks and how he looks at me at the end of a day doesn’t matter.

I love my husband dearly, and he’s the best workout partner I could ask for, but what motivates me at the gym is NOT what motivates him. That gap in our fitness brains is a huge hurdle some days. I want to be encouraged to pound out those last few reps that feel like they might actually kill me, and he’s happy to watch me complete them, but I don’t often get that little psychological push I need to get there. Anyone who’s married or in an intimate relationship with someone will understand my problem: how do I tell him what I need without hurting his feelings or making him angry? Yes, it’s just like “the sex talk.” Normally, I wouldn’t think twice about it. I would just tell him what I need and ask if he can talk me through those last few tough ones. However, stress levels and work overload make “normal” conversations MUCH more challenging, and I feel the need to handle this situation delicately. There has to be a way to broach this subject in a manner that will not spawn a huge argument, right? I’m open to any suggestions.

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We just completed Week 8, Day 4 of our 12-week weight program. It’s amazing to me how absolutely transforming this experience has been so far. There have been physical changes, certainly, and I enjoy seeing every single one, but the transformation I’m most proud of is the change in my attitude and personality. If you’ve struggled with your weight over the course of time, you can relate to my former feelings of self loathing and disappointment. I have lost 50 pounds in the past year, and the past 8 weeks I’ve been gaining muscle in places I never thought I’d see muscle (I have abs, people!). Gone is the self loathing. Gone is the disappointment. In their place . . . excitement, confidence, drive, and passion for pushing forward.

I’ve set goals for myself as I’ve gone along this journey, and I’ve celebrated every little victory. My next goal: rocking a two-piece swimsuit before the end of summer. I think I’m almost there. Yesterday I was walking outside in the front yard (in daylight hours) wearing my sports bra and a pair of workout shorts. I wouldn’t have done that six weeks ago, but I know I’m getting close to the body I’ve been working so hard for. My deadline is August 1, which gives me 39 days to work my ass off. I’ve been working hard, but I need to be working MUCH harder. Push. Push. Push.

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One week from today I will celebrate my 40th birthday, and I’m so excited that I can barely stand it. I don’t think I’ve looked this forward to a birthday since I was a kid. Some people think I’m crazy to be looking forward to forty–I say, “Why shouldn’t I?” There’s nothing scary about forty. In fact, I find it to be quite the opposite: it’s an opportunity to be better than I’ve been the past forty years. I’m in better health and better shape than I was in my early twenties, and that’s something I’m very proud of.

 I’ve been on this journey since just before my 39th birthday last year. I started with a fitness challenge at a gym I was practically terrified to walk into. I weighed 218 pounds and was borderline diabetic. I could never have imagined that I would be where I am thirteen months down the road. I’m so impressed with my progress. Today I weighed in at 173–that’s 45 pounds I’ve lost in 13 months, a loss of 20.64% of my body weight. I have ZERO complaints about that achievement. So I’m not a stick figure . . . that is NOT one of my goals. My goals are to be strong, sexy, and healthy, and I’d say I’m well on my way to achieving all three of those.

I’ve had several people ask me lately just how much weight I’ve lost and what my goal weight is. I think I’ve told you all before that I don’t really have a goal weight. I have a goal body in mind, and when I get there, I’ll know it. I ran into a friend at the gym tonight, and she’s looking amazing (you go, Kandi Talley!). She’s been working really hard, and she said something that really made me think, and I believe my response surprised her. She said that we’re never satisfied, referring to the changes we’re seeing, and I said that I am satisfied. I added that I’m still hungry–still motivated and working toward my goals (new ones, even). I think maybe that lack of satisfaction is what plagues so many of us who are working toward fitness goals. We never give ourselves a chance to truly celebrate our accomplishments. We don’t spend enough time admiring the changes our bodies are undergoing. We don’t appreciate the butt-kicking results reflected back in our mirrors. For crying out loud, WE SHOULD! Enjoying our successes and loving what we see each time we look in the mirror isn’t a ”get-out-of-jail-free” card to toss all our positive changes in the trash and settle back into our unhealthy ways. Being satisfied doesn’t mean stopping where we’re at–it means reassessing our goals, setting new ones, and setting our sights on the next accomplishment on the horizon.

My body is changing in amazing ways, and I’m thrilled. My new goal is to complete the 12-week workout program Troy and I started on Monday and to see where that leaves me. Maybe I’ll shed another ten pounds or so. Maybe I’ll drop another pants size (down to a 10 from a 16 as of right now, so an 8 is possible in my near future). Maybe I’ll find part of my six-pack or see that triceps dent I’m longing to get acquainted with. Whatever the result, I’ll find satisfaction in it, and I’ll set another goal from there. I seriously have my eye on some type of fitness competition. Why the heck not? I’ve seen stories of so many women over 40 who have gone from flab to fab and are competing–and winning–at all levels. Who knows what the future may bring? The best part is that I don’t have to decide now, because I’m satisfied with the amazing changes I’ve realized in the last 13 months. Luckily, my hunger is driving me toward achieving new goals, and I’m  excited about all the possibilities that are ahead.

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It’s never too late to become what you might have been. -George Elliot

I ran across these words tonight while surfing the web for information about motivation. It was one of twenty-five quotes listed as the “Top 25 Fitness Motivational Quotes” on an American Council on Exercise (ACE) website. There were others–really good ones from Ghandi, Einstein, Emerson, and others–but this one just leaped of the screen at me. This quote so fits who I am and where I am on this fitness journey.

I’m just starting to discover some of the amazing women out there who have transformed their bodies (and their lives!) through hard work and dedication. I’m blown away by their successes, and I want to be one of those women! I want to be a Tosca Reno: okay, maybe I won’t be the media darling, best-selling author, or Oxygen covergirl she is, but maybe I could be. Imagine what we could accomplish if we could visualize the person–the self–we’ve always wanted to be. Until this winter, I didn’t realize I wanted to be a hard body fitness nut. I was always the gal sitting on the couch, stuffing my face with whatever preservative-laden, sugar-loaded garbage I could get my hands on. How on earth would a gal like that have any chance at being anything more than a poster girl for Diabetes? I had no desire or motivation to change my lifestyle at all. I hated the person I’d become, but I wasn’t willing to do anything about it.

Now, more than a year after stepping into Genesis Health Club for the first time, I see nothing but potential in myself. I am getting better about taking compliments from people who’ve noticed changes in my appearance and attitude. I’m still not great about that, but I am trying! I’ve tried to be more sensitive to the fact that not everyone can or will do what I’m doing. Not everyone wants to hear what I’m doing or what works for me. Yes, I want to motivate others to be healthier and to make better choices, but they have to make those choices because they want to. Motivation is so personal. The things that motivate me to avoid sugar or negative influences on my life, or the things that push me to exercise are specific to me and just may not work for anyone else. I think that’s the beauty of the entire fitness industry: you can find what works for you, what speaks to you, what matches your goals and dreams.

I happen to be dreaming of the me I might have been . . . the me I want to be . . . the poster child for lifestyle change . . . the gal with the six-pack abs and the ass you could bounce a quarter off of. Yeah, that’s the person I’m hoping to find staring back from the mirror one of these days. Who am I kidding? I’m not hoping for that–I’m PLANNING on it!

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Here it is, day ten of my fitness challenge. I’ve worked out every day and have even tried some new things at the gym. So far, I’m pleased with my progress. What I’m most pleased with, though, is the dedication and determination of my teammates on this challenge. Troy, Rhonda, and Annette have all been doing fantastic! It’s great that we’ve committed ourselves to the gym each day, and that we’re sticking with it. I’m already noticing great changes, and not just weight loss. Those kinds of things make it easier to just keep pushing forward. Even though my schedule this week has been slightly nuts–I’ve been at the gym after nine more than once so far this week–and it’s only Wednesday, I’m having a good time and staying positive about the adjustments I’m having to make to my routine.

Several of my coworkers are also competing in this challenge, and it’s fun to watch them go through the process. I’ve seen small victories over their caffeine addictions, and I’ve heard several great stories about all the situations they’ve overcome using willpower they never knew they had. It’s great! I’m excited to say that several of them are already seeing results on the scale, and that’s wonderful! I can only hope that they will continue these practices going forward, even after this challenge has ended. Perhaps that will happen if they feel their efforts have been worthwhile. Here’s hoping!

My plan is to keep pushing hard after the challenge is over. I did something today that I’ve been thinking about for a VERY LONG time . . . I signed up to work with a personal trainer for 12 weeks. I’m terrified and excited at the same time. I’m terrified that I will NOT be able to perform all the exercises that he may have me do, and I’m also terrified that I’ll love it so much that I may put myself in the poor house by adding another “expense” to my already expense-ridden lifestyle. However, the excitement of working with a trained professional to achieve the goals I so desperately want to achieve is really out of this world. I can’t tell you how absolutely ready I am for this opportunity. I’m actually considering a goal that I haven’t mentioned to anyone yet. I know you’ll kick me for tossing this out there and then not telling you what it is, but I have a little soul-searching to do before I decide if I really want to put this on my must-accomplish list. Trust me, if I do, I’ll fill you in.

One other cool thing I learned this week: a friend from the gym is soon going to take his lifestyle change to the next level and plans to attend training to become a certified group fitness instructor. I think that is about the coolest thing ever! Props to you, Chris! You’ll be great!

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We start another challenge at the gym tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it for so many reasons: yes, there’s a chance to win a trip to Las Vegas, but the main thing I look forward to is pushing myself hard for the next thirty days. Once the challenge is over, I hope to start training for some fitness or endurance events so I can stay in that “challenge zone” that keeps me focused and working hard toward my goals. After all, my 40th birthday is two months away . . . I have a LOT of ground to cover between now and then.

 I’ve been looking at several fitness websites and reading several fitness blogs lately. It’s amazing to me how many different reasons we all have for working to be fit. Yesterday I ran across a website called Fitness Motivation Today. The site is run by Bridget Taylor. While I haven’t quite figured out who Bridget is, I can tell you that she struggles to stay motivated like so many of us who are trying to be fit. Her website is a conglomeration of all the information she’s found on motivation in regards to fitness, healthy eating, etc. I found it interesting that Bridget’s main motivation to stay fit is for the sake of her appearance. She admits that many would likely think her vain or selfish for working out and eating right just to look good. However, I don’t think Bridget’s being vain or selfish at all: we’re all working toward fitness goals to positively impact our appearance. I know I want to be healthy, but I also want to look great. There’s no crime in that. If you’re working out and making healthy food choice so you can rock that new bikini you bought or look drop-dead gorgeous in that dress you’ve been dying to wear, then don’t feel guilty. No one has the right to criticize you for your motivation: keep doing what you’re doing for the reasons that matter to you. In the end, you’ll be the one everyone is staring at . . . and for all the right reasons.